Dear mom and dad,
The good news: Today I was promoted to Barrister, Second Class at the 134,567th Field Armored Starbucks. They gave me such a beautiful uniform: a tapered white shirt with a black bow tie, and black pants with the red stripes (something like track pants, but infinitely more stylish.) I also was re-assigned from 136th California Abolish ICE regiment to 543rd New York the Living Wage regiment. The bad news: they declared tips racist. I’m broke. I just sent you a PayPal money request for $500.
Jason
Dear dad and mom,
The good news: I got to shoot a minigun for 12 seconds yesterday. It was wicked fun. The bad news: they are going to charge me for the bullets. Also, we are going to have a parade next week but they told us to buy our own Confederate flags, jackboots and torches. I’m broke. Can you please wire me $100 rebel dollars?
Much obliged,
Andy
Dear mom and dad,
The good news: Today we turned our tanks into hybrids. The new mileage? One mile per gallon, that’s the fuel efficiency to die for. The bad news: I was napping in a safe place but someone stole my North Face lace-up boots, bandana, covfefe T-shirt, and gas mask. I’m broke. I just sent you a PayPal money request for $500.
Jason
Dear dad and mom,
The good news: The Pussy Hats ambushed my buddy Charlie. Remember him? He had so much booze at my tenth birthday party that he barfed at dad’s boots. A Pussy Hat pried his gun from his cold, dead hands but accidentally shot herself in the foot. The bad news: I laughed so hard that chipped my last front tooth. I’m broke. Can you please wire me $100 rebel dollars?
Much obliged,
Andy
Dear mom and dad,
The good news: Got my DNA test results. Only 90% European. Better than I thought. I even got 5% of African genes, so I was proud of you (for a while). The bad news: When I was asked to check my white privilege at the officer’s club door, they gave me two tickets. Am I so white-looking? I hate you. I’m broke morally and financially (the DNA test was expensive). I just sent you a PayPal money request for $500.
Jason
Dear dad and mom,
The good news: the Snow Flakes declared their camp a gun-free-zone. The bad news: while we were singing Kumbaya, the Pussy Hats built a beautiful wall around us and Mexico paid for it. Now we are trapped, and they drop leaflets from the helicopters. What is he/his/him and what is she/her/his? I was so confused that I lost a card game. Can you please wire me $100 rebel dollars?
Much obliged,
Andy